It’s been a few weeks now since my sister asked me that question and it’s now that it’s been lingering in my mind. And the worst part of it is that I can’t seem to get over it. Things have been pushing itself in my head: This 2011, I will be 30.  Am still single (but not NBSB, thank God).  I have no special someone with the title of “boyfriend”to be with on nights I just want to be with someone, or on lonely nights, bad days, and such (except my family, which of course, I am thankful for). I have no special someone to be my movie buddy, my spoonmate, my cuddlemate, my partner, my lover, and my “bestest” friend (as the Nickelodeon’s Rugrats would say).

It dawned to me that at this period of my life, my parents already had me and were probably about to make or have my first sister (I say first because I have 2 sisters). What do I have to show for now? Nothing. As Tina Turner once sang, “I have nothing. Nothing. Nothing, if I don’t have you…”  — that “you” part, I don’t have.  Yeah, yeah, emo-ish. I know.

I remember asking God one time if it was possible that in the next person that I have a relationship with (IF I do have one), would be one wherein I’d know where the relationship is headed. In a much better Filipino term, “may patutunguhan.”  I feel that now, at my age (oh, I feel so old, suddenly), I’m tired of playing games (not that I’m used to it or that I have a lot of “games”). I’m tired of not knowing where I stand or where a mutual like is headed. I’ve experienced knowing that a guy and I had mutual likes for each other but that it was just up to there then nothing – later on, I find out he just got a girlfriend. Or that one time that I felt it was a mutual like thing but that it’s just up to there then again, nothing. Not that I regret meeting them. They were after all, nice guys. It’s the “un-development” of things that irks me.  That hanging feeling.  If it’s a this-will-lead-nowhere-thing, it would be better to know from the start. No hopes up, that’s it.

Yes, I get the it-makes-life-more-fun-when-you-don’t-know reaction. But hell, at this age and specifically for THAT, come on, give me a break. It’s not that fun at this part of the game. This isn’t like Jumanji that after you reach the end of the game, everything will just return to the way it was before you played the game.

I wish I can say that it’s easy not to hope for a partner in crime, I mean life but, I can’t. I really want to have a special someone… My very own movie buddy, spoonmate, chillax bud, cuddlemate, bicker partner,  lover, and “bestest” friend. Reality just loves nudging me and telling me “nada for you.”

So okay, I admit, I am getting kind of scared that I may grow old alone. But only up to a certain point.

He really was a great friend then. Always funny, caring, thoughtful… uhm, ok… too much reminiscing… it’s like it’s all coming back to me (again and again and again….–just like the energizer commercial: it keeps on going and going and going…).

And so i greet myself a belated happy new year, still miserably missin’ that one person whom i still love.

As for my other promise to myself, here is my long version of how I did it. Well, the only way that I could think of that would help my wish in “patch things up” with my special someone is by actually writing a card and sending it. I know, it’s a bit old school but for me, I like the personal touch. And I’d like to think that he’d feel that I did make an effort. I know that  a face-to-face interaction is a more personal approach but I’d be scared of doing that.

Dec 22: I headed to National Bookstore in search a big Christmas card. Apparently, not a lot of people are into buying big Christmas cards anymore because it seemed then that I have limited options for big cards. Anyway, I ended up buying 2 or 3 Christmas cards. The big card had a Filipino greeting. I had to fix it, design it, and find a way to insert the CD that I wanted to include. The CD, by the way, was just a music video of the song “If A Song Could Get Me You”  Pretty nice video…You’d have to watch it to know why I wanted to include it though. For the big card, I cut out the small english messaged card, chose red and green paper as background and pasted it. I still have the bouquet of roses with baby’s breath he gave me, so I cut the dried baby’s breath and pasted it on the card as well. Well, it was too much to ask that he remember such a small thing but well, there was no harm in hoping. Anyway, I made my card simple. The note from the card I cut plus the simple note I added. After that, I checked and rechecked my card. I suddenly felt nervous then but after that, I simply gave up wondering what he would do once he got it and just went to bed right after I placed the card in my bag.

The next day, when afternoon came and since I was heading for our other office, I dropped by LBC in one of those car parks, and did what I had to do. I opened the door of the LBC establishment, asked how much it would cost to send a card, gave the area where it was to be sent. The attendant gave me a sticker form to fill out.  I was supposed to start writing ’til I saw the first part that I had to fill out: it said name and address of sender. I hesitated and asked the attendant if it was needed. All she said was that it can’t be left blank. And so I placed my initials and upon the suggestion of the attendant, placed “Makati City” as my address. Then I wrote his name and address. That was that. I asked when it would be received and she said the next day. After paying, I left rather anxious and nervous. I came up with different scenarios that would have either bring me up or down. And as I walked further away from LBC, I took a deep breath and thought of a different thing.

December 23 and 24 came and went. Nothing. I thought to myself that it’s much better to hear nothing than to get a negative reaction. So I “moved on,” so to speak. By the 25th, the card still lingered in my mind but I let the thought pass same as when I thought of him and how he celebrated his Christmas. The night of the 25th, at about 11pm, while my family and I were on our way home, I got a text message. How ever sleepy I was then, I lost that sleepy feeling once I saw who the message was from. It was like a strong espresso kick. His message was simple too. And i had to read it again and again and again and I ended up debating with myself whether to reply or not to reply. My urge to reply asap was there, believe me, but I got a hold of myself and thought hard before deciding to reply or not. And after almost 45minutes, I replied. I simply greeted him back with a Merry Christmas to you too kind of thing. And that was that. I breathed. The question, simply put is that did his text mean that he has somewhat forgiven me? I just chose to think that. Because he could have chosen not to text or anything.  Better yet, he could have chosen not to open the card  (but of course, I was mighty glad he did open it and for that part, might as well have read it). What hits me now is that amazingly, he still kept my mobile number in store..when I was pretty sure he would delete it. Oh well. I sure wish we could go back to being close and all but that would be pushing my luck. So just knowing that in one way or another he has forgiven me and that we could at least be civil when we see each other, is absolutely fine with me. Of course, on my part, I’m sure that if I see him, I’d panic and have butterflies in my stomach then. Haha.

So to say that my Christmas was indeed magical is indeed right.

Sigh… I promised myself to make things right or at the very least, hope for a civil thing with him. I just don’t want the feeling of knowing that someone you value (and still love, there, I admit) so much is mad at you. I know I can’t “mend” it so much but I sure would like to try something.  Maybe not a face-to-face interaction because I’m scared of the thought of it. I have something in mind which hopefully I can do… after my judgment days in the office training…

I sure wish I pass the exams… I really want to patch things up (if I can) with him.

I.miss.him.

I was at the branch where I was assigned. I bought lunch at this establishment where the line wasn’t quite moving, but I wasn’t pissed so much. The reason? There was a cute guy there. Hahaha. The funny thing was that when I told my branchmates about it, they knew who I was describing. Hahaha, so much for that.

Anyway, after office, I headed to my former office and hung out there for a while til I got a text from my closest friend to have dinner with her. I told my office friends if they were leaving already and asked if I can “make sabay” going to Glorietta. Well, since we were a lot and couldn’t fit in one cab, I just decided to walk. Which was quite okay by me. Exercise. There I met up with my friend and had dinner at Friday’s. After which, we both headed to our shuttle area. Then I get this text from another friend and asked if I was going home already. I said yes and he said we could go home together instead (since he lives in LP too). We agreed to meet at Landmark. I was walking in Glorietta and thought that I’d rather walk inside Glorietta than walk around, where I’ll pass by Aveneto and Gold’s Gym (ahem ahem). okay, okay, I was thinking that at that time,  I remembered someone’s sched and that he might be heading out of Gold’s Gym at that time. That’s why I didn’t pass there.

And so I met up with my friend from LP at Landmark. He said his car was at HSBC so we had to walk. Thank goodness he carried my pack (while I carried my paddle). So we were talking while walking on the walkway when suddenly, I saw another friend! Oh my gosh… Okay, he’s not just a friend… he’s sort of a crush. And truth be told, I was overwhelmed that I forgot to introduce my LP friend to him! All I was able to say was “hi” and “uwi ka na” and stuff. He said “hi” and “pauwi na rin” and he asked if I went to practice (since I had my paddle). After that, all I could say was “ah ok, sige, bye…” Where did that come from? I mean, it was a definite surprise to meet him there plus we were in the middle of the walkway and stuff… Damn, I could’ve wanted to talk more but it was a bit awkward too. (Yes, he has a girlfriend, alright).

After we said goodbyes, my LP friend couldn’t hear the end of it. I was controlling myself…not to feel super excited. And I got kind of asar coz I felt I didn’t look “bonggacious” (haha). Like I was already wearing flipflops (easier to walk with) and I didn’t know if my hair was still looking okay and all that. Wow. Pretty hilarious, come to think of it. Like he’d care. hehe.

Anyway, on our way home, I had a pretty good talk with my LP friend. We laughed about stuff and told our own stories. Had a pretty serious and emo moment too.

Well, that October 30 was a treat and treat, alright…

Hmmm…walkways are nice… hahahaha!

Maybe someday I’d stop wondering how your day went, whether you woke up on the right side of the bed, whether you ate well and on time, whether you had a good day or not…maybe someday I would not wonder anymore what we’d be doing if we were together like before…god, I still love you…If you were to miraculously call me or text me and were to tell me to get back together with you…in a heartbeat, __, I’d say yes, let’s.  But it’s all just a dream to me now, though I hope it were real instead then maybe things would be great..

If only you’d forgive me…maybe someday…

and maybe someday, I’d be over you…

And you know what’s funny, I had a dream about you. In my dream, we met in a conference or something somewhere…I was seated, like in a classroom set up and you were somewhere outside…You were gesturing me to come to you (yo know, the kulit type of  you gesturing someone to come to you..). And when I was walking to you, I remember in my dream being so scared about what’s going to happen. What’s amazing was that you just asked me something and after i replied, it seemed like we were okay again. The next thing I knew, we were spending time together and you were happy to be with me. And then I think we got back together and we were…happy… Wow. That was such an amazing dream for me. I wanted to go back to sleep and continue the dream and wish it were true…

It pains me that “pagkatapos ng lahat ng pinagsamahan natin, ganito lang, wala na ang lahat.”   How I wish I could change things and all that, but I can’t and I’m stuck with the present…The NOW.

And NOW, I miss you…I miss the old “us,”  the hangout at your place “us,”  the dvd marathon watching “us,” the fun “us,” the long distance “us,”  the movie watching “us,” the stay till the wee hours of the morning “us,”  the roadtripping ‘us,” everything we did together, i miss. so much…

Sigh. But I have to move on, as my friends say… Then why does my heart say:

Still you…